Meri Adhuri Prem Kahani - #50ShadesOfStupidity

If there is one TV commercial I completely associate with, it’s Good Knight Active+ System. It repels mosquitoes with its dual speed action. I had the same effect on boys. I repelled them! My dual-action switch was my words, though. No, I was not bad with words. In fact, I was very intelligent. I still am. But boys don’t like intelligent girls. They ‘pretend’ to like us. All that - ‘I like a girl with whom I can strike meaningful conversation’ - is crap. I tried it many times. And I have many male friends. Not boyfriends, male friends. Boys friend-zoned me! We all know what that means. I am okay with it now but there was a time in my life when I was on a mission. One day I asked my male friend, ‘Why no one from our group has proposed me?’ To which he shamelessly replied, ‘Tu badi intelligent hai yaar, darr lagta hai tujhse!’ And thus, his reply resulted in my 2-month long makeover.

I started my makeover by imitating girls around me - flicking hair, giggling and all that nonsense that make a girl ‘oh-so-cute.’ I did all that. Sadly, I was not a natural at it. When I flicked hair, they landed in someone’s mouth. When I giggled, it sounded like hiccups. Basically, I sucked! I needed a mentor who could teach me the finer nuances of this craft. I wanted Ekalavya-Dronacharya type of relation, minus the Guru Dakshina. My intention was to observe, practice and learn. I didn’t want to be indebted to any girl. I had no intention of giving her my thumb, or any other favor for that matter. As if being intelligent was not a problem enough, my stupid pride ruined it further. So, one summer day in newly opened Barista at Sector 35 Chandigarh, I tried my luck. I imitated the hottest girl in our group - my so-called mentor.

Our group ordered fancy lemonade costing 32 rupees each. I was outraged by the price. To calm myself, I went to the washroom with my hot friend. I told her I preferred the thandi shikanji at Pappu bhaiya ka thela. It costed 5 rupees and came with a view. Thela had the sexy image of Hrithik Roshan bulging biceps from ‘Kaho Naa... Pyaar hai’ plastered in front. Thandi Shikanji-Hot Hrithik made an eclectic mix. She told me to put a stop on such smart-ass comments. They were the reason no boy liked me. I agreed. She was my Love Guru, remember? I kept quiet and headed back to our table with a fake smile - the one that showed my dimples just a little. It was all merry. One boy actually looked at me. I was relishing the new-found attention till my hot friends said, she preferred ‘Nimbu Pani with a View’ at Pappu bhaiya ka thela and boys nodded in appreciation. I was shocked and confused. Shall I call it plagiarism or express my gratitude? She stole my words but made it sophisticated by replacing shikanji with nimbu pani. Was she a thief or teacher? Perplexed, I looked at the mint leaves on the glass and felt like them - completely useless! Now, this is also a problem with intelligent girls, we think too much. A normal girl would have sorted this matter in one sentence - Bitch, you stole my line!

Anyway!

Agenda of the day was to copy her and be cute, and it was only possible with a zipped mouth. I didn’t utter a word, I just played dumb. Yes, I was that desperate for attention. My five minutes of fame happened that very evening when our BSNL landline busted with missed calls. One after another - blank call pe blank call. I was elated - Mujhe laga bus aaj toh Munni badnaam ho hi gaye! My joy knew no bounds. I thanked my hot mentor and continued acting like her. On the next ring, I picked the receiver and blasted - ‘Please missed call karna band kar do. I already have a boyfriend.’ From the other side a familiar voice crushed my inflated ego and super-inflated hopes - ‘Tera boyfriend hai!!?!’ Sensing that I disclosed wrong information to the wrong source - my father - I banged the phone down. When the phone rang again, my father was angry as he had been trying for half-an-hour and got connected just to know that her little girl who he was expecting to pass with flying colors in CS exams, ab pyar ki peengen chada rahi hai.

Then, the obvious happened - my brother laughed his ass off. In that humiliating moment, the only curse I could think was - Bhagwan kare tujhe kabhi missed call na aaye! I mean, seriously! But even God has no mercy. By the time my brother reached high school, affairs got other breeding grounds - mobile and internet. And as far as I was concerned, I remained boyfriend-less. My 2-month long stint has given me at least 50 embarrassing and stupid moments, though.