I want you more than a soulmate. I desire you more than a lover. I need you more than a friend.

How melancholic it is that you are the only man I trust my life with and yet I can’t love you? Human emotions are weird. Or am I? Yet all those phone calls where I dial your number and don’t utter a word are proof love exists in all forms.

You hear my breathing, silence and sadness. You call my name in between to check if I’m still there or WhatsApp disconnected the only connection we have. I don't call to talk. I want reassurance that you are always there for me.

My heart is heavy with unsurmountable pain. If you roam in the darkest corners of my heart, you will see your name written there in bold letters.

You are the man who pulls me from depths of despair. But I can’t love you. Not now at least. I don’t want to unburden my sorrows on your shoulders. When the time will come, I want to lie down on your chest and speak only of love. Only of us. Nothing else.

I’m really scared. What if I will fall in love with someone else? I won’t have the guts to look into your eyes. I can’t betray you like that. I’m not that ungrateful. I want to give you the level of unwavering devotion, unadulterated love and wild passion a man like you deserves.

Yet I’m helpless. I can’t force love on myself. The same way when I asked you to make love with me in a very low moment of my life and you refused. ‘I can’t force myself on you,’ you said. You wanted sex to happen naturally between us. I want love to happen naturally between us. Not as a token of gratitude.

Until we remain together, let’s grow with each other. Let’s make each other better versions of ourselves. Let’s give each other something more valuable than love - growth, respect and care. 

And just once please hold me in your arms as tight as you can. We may never sleep together. I may never love you. But I want to feel the embrace of the man who I trust my life with. Pretty selfish you can say.

Ain’t this the strongest part of us - we say the most contrived emotions in the most gentle and simple words. Perhaps we are ahead of time. Perhaps we are what love should be. Perhaps we are nothing but a fluke. Who knows?

And if for some reason, you get fed up with waiting or wanting me. Don’t walk out angrily. Talk to me. Kiss me goodbye. Hug me tight. Know I want you more than a soulmate. I desire you more than a lover. I need you more than a friend.